So much has happened and i am still figuring out the BLOG

ok so let's go over some major checks off the life plan!!

1.) Marry your best friend, and man of your dreams....ummm check!! well i couldn't very well marry anna(lol) so i guess eric will have to do! we were married in Vegas on March 14th 2009. Incase you people have been living under a rock and don't know that i am on facebook! hee hee. Any ways i would love to say that married life has been amazingly easy and care free. but it's not. we have had our ups and down as every couple does. but i must say i still love him with all my heart, and most days he still makes me as happy as the day i married him.other days we look at each other an laugh and think we said forever?!?! we aren't perfect but we are perfect for each other!

2.) Create a beautiful life out of your love....um check!!! That is right Eric and i are going to be parents!! our baby is due feb. 23, 2010!!! we are sooo excited! i must admit i am a bit scared but i hear that is normal!? i am just over three months and have barely started to show, we want to find out if we are having a boy or a girl as soon as we possibly can!  we already have names picked out either way. i would have liked to wait longer until after the wedding but eric an i decided that we would stop preventing and just let it happen, who knew it would happen right away?!! in any event we could not be happier.

3.) and finally, have amazing friends and family to support you, and witness these life changes....a definite check!!!! i am super fortunate to know these people and many more... i guess i am lucky!! i may not win contest or jackpots, but i sure lucked out in the people department!

i will try and get better about posting, esspecially as my belly and my family grows! well thanks for reading and i love you!

my momma

I miss her, it's been forever since she died and yet i still have those days that i cry for her and that i miss the sound of her voice and the smell of her. dad always said that those memories would fade with time. maybe because of that i have clung to those things...i would like to think that i think of her most when i know that she is watching over me. but who knows?
everyone had told me she is in a better place. i beleive that i do, but sometimes it hurts so bad that she had to leave, that she missed out on so much. well i guess the truth is that we missed out on so much. i feel like she had so much more to give, more to be, more wisdom to pass on, more moments to be apart of. why is still the number one question and the one that will never be answered. when i think of her i see moments like this, dancing, singing, laughing. i try to make her proud...maybe one day i will understand it all maybe one day i will stop hoping that she could be there....maybe it won't feel like inspite of all the wonderful people who are apart of my life that something is missing.
many wonderful women have helped me in times when a girl needs her mom, and i could not love, thank, or respect them more. but in the end as much as i love them, no one fills that void no one can replace a mom. esspecially not one like mine. she wan't perfect, but she was close. so much so she earned her wings early!
i love you mommy! i still miss you!

positive?

well i have been trying to go with the flow more, trying to see the best in people, in situations. so far i think it is going fairly well. i must admit that there have been moments that have tested my patients, my courage, my strength and even my belief in myself. but i made it through, with the help of my incredible circle of friends and family!

i am not always an easy person to be around, i can at times be overly sensitive or overly judgemental. i have tried to see these flaws as a chance to better myself and my relationships rather than sweep them under the rug. it is an ongoing process one that i hope makes it easier for me to trust my own judgement, and not place it on others.

with that being said, it has been completely eye opening to see who you turn to in moments of sadness and despair...even if they are minor moments. but my one and only skister has been there through it all to hold my hand, or get mad with me or just to listen to me and cry with me! she is an amazing, strong, wise and beautiful girl inside and out. also all my "sisters" you know who you are, you girls are crazy but you have also put up with my craziness, and my insecurities, you have lent me strength when i needed it and a safe place to hide, until i could go again!! to the love of my life, you may be far away but you are one of the most insprirational people in my life. if everyone was like you the world would be such a better place! My husband, man he surprises me every day, he teaches me to grow he shows me that we can grow togther, he truly is my rock. i couldn't picture my life with out him, he makes every day better!!!

it is hard to look at yourself an try to change what you see in the mirror, but because of the people that i have around me i know that everything will be alright and that there truly is a happy ending in store! i love you guys!

pain in forgiving

so question of the day...what on earth just happened!?lol. but seriously today was just weird, i almost don't know what to think or feel, it wasn't a horrible day, but it wasn't good....it was a "thoughtful" day.
started out this morning beautifully! it was sunny and perfect, got coffee with eric. just one of those moments you want to hold on to forever.
the rest of the day had it's ups and down, but nothing too major or life altering. it wasn't until i went to my second job that all these emotions began to flood.
sometimes it makes me so angery to see what parents do to their children. you are supposed to love them create a safe home for them, so what went wrong. how can you look at this beautiful child and say such horrible things, treat them so poorly? don't you know what you are creating? i know that no childhood is perfect, but some have had it better than others. after tonight i just wanted to yell, cry, scream, and save this child from hurtful words, a crazy household, a place where they felt like nothing. to see this child look at me with tears in their eyes and say that they don't matter they should be invisable and people would be happier...well it broke my heart. people take so much fro granted, including myself. like i said no one had a perfect childhood, there are always things that we hope to do differently, but man it could've been worse, and i think that is saddest of all. these are truly innocent souls entrusted to their parents and to watch what some people decide to make of it is revolting!
so when i got home it took me a minute to calm down, but then i reread my blog and thought how down i sounded, and i may have been down or lost or confused in that moment, but my life is not that bad! i had an amazing mother, i have a dad who is like a best friend, a sister who brings clarity to my world, a husband who has become my world, the best dog an to top it off my two bestf riends are the most amazing women you could ever hope to meet. one is my opposite and has been my strength. the other is "the love of my life"lol, she gets my wacky words and silly thoughts.
so no matter who has done what, how bad i have been hurt, it all doesnt matter, none of it matters. are those the moments that we are going to chose to hold onto? or will it be the happier times?
i chose happy. so for everyone i strive to forgive you and myself for whatever my part may be. i chose to move forward and try to be more positive. i chose to leave hurt behind.
i want to show these kids that there is happiness and hope in the world, but sometimes you gotta beelive in yourself. i want to show them that it take true love an courage to be the better person and find the peace to let all the hurt go. that it doesn't matter where you come from but what you make out of the tools you ae given.
i hope i am strong enough to bring them out of the shadows and to have them see that it can and it will be better...

treat others the way you want to be treated is not enough, i will try and treat others the way i would want you to treat my family and my future children

a new me?!

life has always moved and changed drastically for me. nothing in my life has ever been steady slow or predictable. so i always have tried to be steady, cautious and predictable so that things didn't start spinning out of control. for the first time in a long time i feel like i am at a place where i can start to be more "free" with my time and my choices. i feel like i have an amazing support system now, if things start to spin out of control i know that i am not going to have to pick up the peices on my own. not stay i am going to turn into that wild crazy party girl, but every once in awhile it might be nice to be that girl!!

it's hard to explain and i am sure this sounds crazy, but i am for once comfortable with myself, my surrounding and i feel more confident than i have in years! i do want a family soon, so why not enjoy this confidence with a carefree attitude while i have the ability too?